i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
