I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
