I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
