Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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