After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
