well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
