i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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