I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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