home. puking in laundry basket.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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