Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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