I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
