I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
