the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
