Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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