when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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