my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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