I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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