i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
