How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
