I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
