Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
