my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
dude. I can hear the air.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
