if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
