I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
