It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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