I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
