and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
