Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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