i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
