He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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