I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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