My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
