I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
