It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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