im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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