My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
