ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
