Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
