im about as happy as oj after his trial
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
