Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize