the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
