I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
