My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize