allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
