They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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