I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
