Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
