is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Alive.
So much puke
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
