I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
