In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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