hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
