I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
