God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
