I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
