Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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