I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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