Acid is not a monday night drug
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
