So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
