he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
