it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
